The Agbero Blog
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Monkey Returns!
Sikira knock my door like say na elephant wan enter. Immediately I heard the knock, I knew it was her. I just jumped from the bed and crouched in one corner. See me o; correct omo-ita, with all the madness in my head: na two women come dey make me fear like dis! Sikira bang the door taya, I no gree open. E remain small make d door comot sef, still I just kpeme for the room.
“TJ, e no go better for your papa o! Your mama go get seven accident! Obatala go quench your grandmamma!!! Sopona go wound your grandpapa for farm!!! TJ, open dis door now!!”
She curse me taya, I no gree. She curse all my family, curse my grandparents, my cousins, my friends. She curse everybody wey know me; she curse everybody wey owe me money and those wey I owe money. She curse all the conductors wey I dey collect money from. She curse all the passengers wey dey enter their bus. She curse everybody, still I no gree comot. Because this Sikira, na to kill me remain for am.
It took Agbowo to get me out of the room. Two weeks had passed and I was still in the room. I only went out during the night to use the toilet. Na d garri wey dey my room I just dey manage drink. Agbowo did not even knock. He just spoke.
“Taju, open dis door now-now!”
The voice be like bomb. I rush open d door kia-kia.
“Ah, Baba, na you!”
He let himself into the room quietly. I hurriedly closed the door behind him.
“So, na because of woman you no wan come park again abi? U dey craze!” One big slap land for my eye. I wan shout but I no fit.
“Sit down,” Agbowo commanded.
The kain talk wey dis man follow me talk dat day, even my papa neva talk am before. He spoke to me like someone who was more than a father; someone superior to a father. He talk better sense into my kolo head.
I went to the park that day.
9:15am
It was like they were welcoming a king! The bastards lined up with sniggers on their faces. They smiled as they shook my hand, a smile that revealed more than they were saying. Once in a while, I’ll hear “flying monkey!” and I would spin around to kill the bastard that said it and everyone would start laughing. Or in their pseudo-conversation:
“Ah, you no watch dat match between Man U and Chelsea? Var der Saar just dey fly like monkey!”
Another false conversation:
“Lai-lai! I fit bet my salary on am! Monkey fit fly faster than bird!”
Ok, I get it, you bastards!
2:13pm
My first shift don end. I dey under the shed dey relax with Mufu and Rashidi. Agbowo seat one corner dey drink stout. His transistor radio dey blast “Ori e o f’oka sibe!” I was almost dozing when I felt the sky grow darker. Kilode? I opened my eyes and there in front of me, looking as radiant as ever, was Bolatito! Tito baby! I scrambled to my feet and made to run. My heart jumped against my ribcage. Mufu and Rashidi too also backed off.
“Teeeee-Jaaay!”
The way she said my name was so silky! Kai!
“Tj, abeg no run from me, I no be witch.”
I no fit talk.
Slowly, she came towards me and knelt at my feet holding on to my legs. Kai! Dis gal dey fall my hand o! There were tears in her eyes.
“TJ, abeg make I explain.”
And explain she did. She told me how she had been trying to get in touch with me but hear say I no come park. And she dey fear make she come my house. But today she hear say I don come park. (Kai, did they announce my return on radio??!!) She also explained how she had gone back home to find out about what happened and discovered it was her aunty she had been living with in Ekiti that put the magun on her. The woman had always accused her of being a flirt, when na boys dey always chase am and she no dey give them face.
In short, as she dey talk, she dey rub my knee, my calf, my feet. Her face was pressed against my belly! Chei! Before I know, my agidi don disappear. Meself come dey pet am. I dey smile like fish, dey talk nonsense. Tito gave me a look that was suggestive and I catch the look quick-quick. As I approached Agbowo to ask for permission to go home, he just smiled and shook his head.
Before you fit say “God-punish-Flying-Monkey” we don reach house!
Baba Odeku was outside the house fixing something in his bus. He jumped when he saw us together!
“TJ! Tito! You people again?”
“Baba, no worry everything dey kampe.”
“Kampe ke?” He looked at Tito.
Tito nodded. “Dem don remove am for village, Baba.”
Baba Odeku just shook his head. Idiot man! Because he just save me one-time, he think say he be my papa?
Tito and I practically dragged each other into my room. We tore at each other’s clothes as we landed on the bed.
[[Parental Guidance: Text not visible to readers under 50]]
We lay on the bed exhausted, but with enough energy to go again. Indeed, the tin no dey for her body anymore! I no crow like cock. I no drink water like fish. I no fly like money again!
Slowly, with Tito’s caress, I felt my thing dey rise again. Tito gripped my tin for hand, press am tight! I winced but the pain dey pleasurable. Slowly, I felt her body slide down mine and her mouth felt wet and silky on my thing! Kai! Sikira never do dis one before o!!! In fact nobody ever do me dis one before! Ah, na wetin dem dey call blow-job be dis?? The enjoyment dey too much, I just dey scream like lunatic. But next thing na:
Gbam!!!
The remaining things happen for slow motion:
The door burst open. (We no even remember lock am!) Sikira stood there with her mouth wide open! Her breasts heaved like a locomotive. She looked at my face then at Tito. Tito’s mouth was still on the tip of my koboko. The look of terror on her face was almost edible. Nobody moved for like 10seconds. We were all just too shocked. But, like the tiger she is, Sikira was the first to pounce. With a fierce cry, she dealt Tito a blow across the face. Tito scattered into one corner. She jumped on me and grabbed my thing, pinching and squeeze my balls!
“Yeeeeeeeeepaaaaaaaaaaa!!!” My scream must have reached up to heaven for Baba Odeku flew in moments later.
“Sikira, stop am!!!”
“Ah!!! I go comot this him yeye thing today!!!!”
But Sikira no wan stop o; she just dey drag me around the room with my thing. I would jerk and she would pull. She would pinch and I’d jerk back. Like we were in an accursed pantomime. She had murder in her eyes. Sadly, my thing refused to go down; the bastard was still erect! And dat intensified the pain!
Baba Odeku pleaded with Sikira, she no gree o. When he tried to wrestle my thing from her grip, the pain only increased. I screamed harder.
It was Tito that would finally rescue me.
She found one big stick wey I dey use kill rat. With her veins straining against her skin, she nack d stick for Sikira head!
Gbosaaaa!!! I even heard a crack. The stick or Sikira’s head?
Sikira slumped to the floor. My thing shrank instantaneously. Baba Odeku put his hands on his head.
“Yeeeepa!!! You don kill am!! You don kill am o!” The bastard man was jumping up and and down like a puppet. Tito ran to me and held me tight, her eyes wide with fear. We all stood back as if a taboo was in front of us. Me, I wanted to shrink into the wall! Wetin I go talk for police station? Say my girlfriend kill my girlfriend? Which kain yeye story be dat!
Baba Odeku was surprisingly the first person to recover. “E be like say she never die o,” he said cautiously. He moved towards her and put his head on her juicy breasts.
“Her heart dey beat.”
Hallelujah! But the bastard man no comot him head o. The idiot was tapping current! Agbaya!
Like those zombies do in those movies, Sikira stretched out her hands, from the dead, and grabbed Baba Odeku’s neck!!! Both of them screamed with different purposes.
Tito and I grabbed our clothes and raced out of the house! Our screams were with single purpose!
TBC...
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*I said Tuesday, abi no be so? Dis na Tuesday na!
*Public announcement: I just got married to a new wife! Temite! My elder wives -- Bumight, LG, Rayo -- abeg treat am well o!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Prison Chronicles: Three Kings
The policemen had shouted at me all through, punctuating their curses with slaps and kicks.
“Bastard! Na inside cell you go die! Your papa go join you for here for him burial. Na here u go born your first pikin. Na here you….”
This sergeant went on and on. He was the one I had broken his head. They stripped me of my clothes, leaving just my boxers. All my money don go. Dem come talk say make I write statement. The silly part na say na dem dey tell me wetin I go write.
“Oya, write say you collect my gun, you wan shoot me, but I overpower you, you come break my partner’s head.”
Sho? Me? Dem think say I dey craze? Write wetin?
“Oga, me I no write anything o. I want my lawyer?”
“Lawyer? You dey craze? Nobody dey give anybody lawyer here o. Lawyer ko, lawyer ni!”
We drag am o: write, lawyer, write, lawyer, write…
After dem see say I no gree to write anything, dem drag me into the cell, where the two kings were waiting for me, worse than vultures urging a prey to die….
*****
They formed two teams at opposite corners of the cell. The two kings each sat on a small stool, smoking weed, while their followers – four each – crowded around them, taking turns to fan their masters. It was like a silent mini-war was going on. Once in a while, threats would fly across the room. Once, a man rose from each group and fought at the centre. It was almost a fight to the death, with blood flowing from bleeding heads and each man ending the fight only when they were completely exhausted and unable to fight. The police officers even came to watch at one point, hailing the fellow they rooted for.
I must have been there for over two hours, just sitting away from the two groups. No one even did as if I had entered the room. And na dat one even fear me pass. But the worst never even start. Suddenly, the one on the right spoke.
“Wetin you bring come for your master?”
The other king immediately replied.
“Shut up! Na me be him master!”
I swallowed hard.
“Obe, be careful o! No start wetin you no fit finish o!”
“Sere! Your mama no fit, you small man!”
Both men had stood up; their voices boomed in my head. Sere stood on his stool. He appeared to really be a small man. A police officer screamed from the counter.
“Obe! Sere! Cool down o! We wan sleep.”
The two men backed down.
“We fight on him then,” Obe said.
Sere laughed.
Fight on me ke? The four men from each team stood up and advanced towards me. I took a crouching position. They meant what they said: they were not going to fight for me o, they were going to fight on me! The eight pounced on me.
They fought against each other and they all fought me. It was a crazy fight. One wey I neva see before. These guys dey craze? I stood my ground o. The vex wey I dey vex from the police beating just dey rise in me like say he wan burst. I screamed like an alarm clock, throwing punches and kicks all around. Because the guys don waste dem energy on fighting each other, e dey easy for me to overcome them. Soon, the eight men stood in a circle around me, panting and heaving and not daring to make a move.
“This one na ultimate warrior o,” Sere remarked.
“You never see…” I replied. My head don crazy. I no know wetin come over me o, but the next thing, I scattered the men aside and charged at Obe. Obe was taken off guard, and besides the guy don lord over people so tay he don weak for body. He still sat on his stool as I got to him, his fat body covering the whole stool as if he sat in mid-air. Before he could say kilode my fist connected to his jaw. He let out a loud grunt as he fell on his back. He didn’t get up.
The eight men looked at him, speechless, as I turned and headed towards Sere. It was funny: Sere was actually a midget! A mere bastard dwarf! Na dat one even vex me pass. Dis baba kukuru was controlling boys to come fight me? But the guy na real coward o. He shrieked and darted around the room, his hand thrown into the air.
“Dis one na mad man o! Officer, na mad man you carry come o!”
He ran behind his men, and everybody shrank as I approached. Obe was still out.
“Listen, all you people! My name na Taju; go ask for me for garage. I no care who una be o! I ready to die!!! And I ready to die with all of una!”
“Broda, no vex now,” one of the eight minions said.
Kai, na so prison easy? Or na so-so sissies dem dey bring come prison these days? I thought quickly.
“How dis Obe become oga for here?”
Sere answered, “Me sef no know! But he don become oga even before I come here. He don dey here tay-tay o!”
“You nko?”
It was another guy who replied, “Ah! Sere? Na killer o! Dem talk say him kill three men with him bare hands!” His eyes were wide as he spoke. As if he was talking about a legend. I looked at the Sere and wondered if he could kill a rat with a trap.
“Ehn, me sef I don become oga be dat!”
Na so I become king for prison o! On my first night! On my first trip. Kai! They “allocated” two men to me, one from each group and promised that any new “fish” would be mine. Meanwhile, since there was no extra stool, one of my followers got on all fours and I sat on his back. Sere provided a cigarette. I puffed away like Puff Daddy. Ah! Enjoyment galore.
When Obe woke up, he couldn’t believe his eyes and ears. He screamed and raved. He meant to fight me and I stood up to meet him. He seemed to think better of it when he noticed that Sere was not objecting. He calmed down and the night progressed. Nobody could sleep really, after all that excitement.
“How you take reach here?” I asked the boy behind me, who was fanning me steadily with old newspaper.
“Na wa o. Na my papa put me for here o. Me and some boys for area arrange on how to steal the transformer. One way sha, the landlord association catch us. Dem just talk say make we pay to replace the transformer o, but my papa own too much. He talk say I no go learn if I no spend one week for cell. I don dey here for five days now.”
“Good for you!”
“You nko?” I asked my stool.
“I break my oga shop.”
“Dat’s all?”
“Yes now. I break the shop, carry the electronics wey dey there go sell. But na him friend I sell the goods to and I no know. Now I dey here.”
The three followers of Sere were brought in just tonight.
“We were just walking on the street jeje o, when police van just park. Dem drag us inside, talk say we dey wander. For past ten? When we reach here, dem talk say make we bail ourselves with 1500 each,” the first one said.
The third one butted in, “Na me talk say make we no pay. Dem don catch me before. Me I no go pay dem kobo! See, when 5am reach now, dem go reduce the money to 1000. By 6am, na 500. By
“How come?”
“No be illegal job dem dey do? Dem oga must not come here in the morning and see us here. We no commit any crime now.”
The second one just sat there quietly, huddled together.
“Bros, u nko?” I asked one of Obe’s men.
Obe retorted, “Mr Man, face your kingdom o!”
I no argue. Na true he kuku talk. I told my boys wetin me I do.
“Ehn? You beat Olopa? You break police head?”
They were all in awe. Even Sere who had “killed” three men. Dis people wey dey dis cell no be criminal at all. Petty thieves and small time offenders dem all be. Dem no fit pull devil for prick…
We were dozing when cries and screams woke us up around
“You no go bail yourself? Oya, come bail 1000 make you dey go home.”
“Oga, we no get money!” the three chorused.
“Okay now. Then we go charge you go court for morning. Stay there ehn.”
When the policeman had gone, the Stubborn Wanderer said, “See? I told you!”
“Wetin dem come drop here?” Sere asked.
Obe looked closely and exclaimed, “Armed robbers!”
We were all puzzled. “How you take know?”
“See dem legs now. Police don break their knee with gun. Na only armed robbers dem dey do dat to now.”
One of the two figures stirred. He let out a wail. He raised his head and I could have recognized that head anywhere.
“Sunday?”
He looked in my direction, half-delirious, half-puzzled that someone could know him. He let out another wail and fell back to the floor. He didn’t stir again.
The Stubborn Wanderer was right. With shoves and angry looks, two policemen drove the wandering party out of the cell and set them free. A minute later, another policeman came back.
“Who be Taju?”
“Na me!”
“Follow me, bastard!”
I bade a quick farewell to Obe and Sere. Sere immediately took charge of his former followers.
Agbowo and Sikira were waiting for me at the counter. Agbowo tried to look angry but he couldn’t manage it. He smiled when he saw me. Sikira tried to rush towards me, but a policeman stood in the way.
“This boy dey lucky o. If not for you, Mr Agbowo, we no go let am go o.”
I took possession of my clothes. My money was gone, but I didn’t mind. Bastards!
“Taju-Taju! You wan kill police ehn?” Agbowo said, patting my back as we exited the police station. Sikira held my hand tight.
In Agbowo’s car, he told me that they had paid the police 10,000 for my bail and an extra 5,000 to the policeman I had wounded as compensation.
“But no wahala, TJ, you no be dat kain person. You be our own man. And never never forget dat.”
My head swelled with gratitude. Agbowo dropped off Sikira and me at my house.
“Ehn-ehn, Agbowo, I see Sunday for inside cell o. Dem talk say na armed robber.”
“No so we see am o, TJ. No worry, we go give you the full gist when you come park. You fit take the day off today sha. Just relax, ehn?”
I thanked him a million times more as he drove off. Sikira led me in to take care of me.
Enough galala thereafter. I can’t shout… ;-)
Labels: agbero, prison, sikira, sunday, three kings
