The Agbero Blog

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Prison Chronicles: Three Kings

There were two kings in the cell. I always heard that some tough guy controlled the activities on the cell, but in this cell, there were two ogas. Like having two agberos collecting the same money from a conductor.

The policemen had shouted at me all through, punctuating their curses with slaps and kicks.

“Bastard! Na inside cell you go die! Your papa go join you for here for him burial. Na here u go born your first pikin. Na here you….”

This sergeant went on and on. He was the one I had broken his head. They stripped me of my clothes, leaving just my boxers. All my money don go. Dem come talk say make I write statement. The silly part na say na dem dey tell me wetin I go write.

“Oya, write say you collect my gun, you wan shoot me, but I overpower you, you come break my partner’s head.”

Sho? Me? Dem think say I dey craze? Write wetin?

“Oga, me I no write anything o. I want my lawyer?”

“Lawyer? You dey craze? Nobody dey give anybody lawyer here o. Lawyer ko, lawyer ni!”

We drag am o: write, lawyer, write, lawyer, write…

After dem see say I no gree to write anything, dem drag me into the cell, where the two kings were waiting for me, worse than vultures urging a prey to die….

*****

They formed two teams at opposite corners of the cell. The two kings each sat on a small stool, smoking weed, while their followers – four each – crowded around them, taking turns to fan their masters. It was like a silent mini-war was going on. Once in a while, threats would fly across the room. Once, a man rose from each group and fought at the centre. It was almost a fight to the death, with blood flowing from bleeding heads and each man ending the fight only when they were completely exhausted and unable to fight. The police officers even came to watch at one point, hailing the fellow they rooted for.

I must have been there for over two hours, just sitting away from the two groups. No one even did as if I had entered the room. And na dat one even fear me pass. But the worst never even start. Suddenly, the one on the right spoke.

“Wetin you bring come for your master?”

The other king immediately replied.

“Shut up! Na me be him master!”

I swallowed hard.

“Obe, be careful o! No start wetin you no fit finish o!”

“Sere! Your mama no fit, you small man!”

Both men had stood up; their voices boomed in my head. Sere stood on his stool. He appeared to really be a small man. A police officer screamed from the counter.

“Obe! Sere! Cool down o! We wan sleep.”

The two men backed down.

“We fight on him then,” Obe said.

Sere laughed.

Fight on me ke? The four men from each team stood up and advanced towards me. I took a crouching position. They meant what they said: they were not going to fight for me o, they were going to fight on me! The eight pounced on me.

They fought against each other and they all fought me. It was a crazy fight. One wey I neva see before. These guys dey craze? I stood my ground o. The vex wey I dey vex from the police beating just dey rise in me like say he wan burst. I screamed like an alarm clock, throwing punches and kicks all around. Because the guys don waste dem energy on fighting each other, e dey easy for me to overcome them. Soon, the eight men stood in a circle around me, panting and heaving and not daring to make a move.

“This one na ultimate warrior o,” Sere remarked.

“You never see…” I replied. My head don crazy. I no know wetin come over me o, but the next thing, I scattered the men aside and charged at Obe. Obe was taken off guard, and besides the guy don lord over people so tay he don weak for body. He still sat on his stool as I got to him, his fat body covering the whole stool as if he sat in mid-air. Before he could say kilode my fist connected to his jaw. He let out a loud grunt as he fell on his back. He didn’t get up.

The eight men looked at him, speechless, as I turned and headed towards Sere. It was funny: Sere was actually a midget! A mere bastard dwarf! Na dat one even vex me pass. Dis baba kukuru was controlling boys to come fight me? But the guy na real coward o. He shrieked and darted around the room, his hand thrown into the air.

“Dis one na mad man o! Officer, na mad man you carry come o!”

He ran behind his men, and everybody shrank as I approached. Obe was still out.

“Listen, all you people! My name na Taju; go ask for me for garage. I no care who una be o! I ready to die!!! And I ready to die with all of una!”

“Broda, no vex now,” one of the eight minions said.

Kai, na so prison easy? Or na so-so sissies dem dey bring come prison these days? I thought quickly.

“How dis Obe become oga for here?”

Sere answered, “Me sef no know! But he don become oga even before I come here. He don dey here tay-tay o!”

“You nko?”

It was another guy who replied, “Ah! Sere? Na killer o! Dem talk say him kill three men with him bare hands!” His eyes were wide as he spoke. As if he was talking about a legend. I looked at the Sere and wondered if he could kill a rat with a trap.

“Ehn, me sef I don become oga be dat!”

Na so I become king for prison o! On my first night! On my first trip. Kai! They “allocated” two men to me, one from each group and promised that any new “fish” would be mine. Meanwhile, since there was no extra stool, one of my followers got on all fours and I sat on his back. Sere provided a cigarette. I puffed away like Puff Daddy. Ah! Enjoyment galore.

When Obe woke up, he couldn’t believe his eyes and ears. He screamed and raved. He meant to fight me and I stood up to meet him. He seemed to think better of it when he noticed that Sere was not objecting. He calmed down and the night progressed. Nobody could sleep really, after all that excitement.

“How you take reach here?” I asked the boy behind me, who was fanning me steadily with old newspaper.

“Na wa o. Na my papa put me for here o. Me and some boys for area arrange on how to steal the transformer. One way sha, the landlord association catch us. Dem just talk say make we pay to replace the transformer o, but my papa own too much. He talk say I no go learn if I no spend one week for cell. I don dey here for five days now.”

“Good for you!”

“You nko?” I asked my stool.

“I break my oga shop.”

“Dat’s all?”

“Yes now. I break the shop, carry the electronics wey dey there go sell. But na him friend I sell the goods to and I no know. Now I dey here.”

The three followers of Sere were brought in just tonight.

“We were just walking on the street jeje o, when police van just park. Dem drag us inside, talk say we dey wander. For past ten? When we reach here, dem talk say make we bail ourselves with 1500 each,” the first one said.

The third one butted in, “Na me talk say make we no pay. Dem don catch me before. Me I no go pay dem kobo! See, when 5am reach now, dem go reduce the money to 1000. By 6am, na 500. By 7am, na free!”

“How come?”

“No be illegal job dem dey do? Dem oga must not come here in the morning and see us here. We no commit any crime now.”

The second one just sat there quietly, huddled together.

“Bros, u nko?” I asked one of Obe’s men.

Obe retorted, “Mr Man, face your kingdom o!”

I no argue. Na true he kuku talk. I told my boys wetin me I do.

“Ehn? You beat Olopa? You break police head?”

They were all in awe. Even Sere who had “killed” three men. Dis people wey dey dis cell no be criminal at all. Petty thieves and small time offenders dem all be. Dem no fit pull devil for prick…

5:12am

We were dozing when cries and screams woke us up around 5am. Armed police men were dragging two half-dead men into the cell. They threw them into the centre of the cell and exited joyfully, congratulating one another. One policeman lingered and addressed The Three Wanderers.

“You no go bail yourself? Oya, come bail 1000 make you dey go home.”

“Oga, we no get money!” the three chorused.

“Okay now. Then we go charge you go court for morning. Stay there ehn.”

When the policeman had gone, the Stubborn Wanderer said, “See? I told you!”

“Wetin dem come drop here?” Sere asked.

Obe looked closely and exclaimed, “Armed robbers!”

We were all puzzled. “How you take know?”

“See dem legs now. Police don break their knee with gun. Na only armed robbers dem dey do dat to now.”

One of the two figures stirred. He let out a wail. He raised his head and I could have recognized that head anywhere.

“Sunday?”

He looked in my direction, half-delirious, half-puzzled that someone could know him. He let out another wail and fell back to the floor. He didn’t stir again.

7:26am

The Stubborn Wanderer was right. With shoves and angry looks, two policemen drove the wandering party out of the cell and set them free. A minute later, another policeman came back.

“Who be Taju?”

“Na me!”

“Follow me, bastard!”

I bade a quick farewell to Obe and Sere. Sere immediately took charge of his former followers.

Agbowo and Sikira were waiting for me at the counter. Agbowo tried to look angry but he couldn’t manage it. He smiled when he saw me. Sikira tried to rush towards me, but a policeman stood in the way.

“This boy dey lucky o. If not for you, Mr Agbowo, we no go let am go o.”

I took possession of my clothes. My money was gone, but I didn’t mind. Bastards!

“Taju-Taju! You wan kill police ehn?” Agbowo said, patting my back as we exited the police station. Sikira held my hand tight.

In Agbowo’s car, he told me that they had paid the police 10,000 for my bail and an extra 5,000 to the policeman I had wounded as compensation.

“But no wahala, TJ, you no be dat kain person. You be our own man. And never never forget dat.”

My head swelled with gratitude. Agbowo dropped off Sikira and me at my house.

“Ehn-ehn, Agbowo, I see Sunday for inside cell o. Dem talk say na armed robber.”

“No so we see am o, TJ. No worry, we go give you the full gist when you come park. You fit take the day off today sha. Just relax, ehn?”

I thanked him a million times more as he drove off. Sikira led me in to take care of me.

Enough galala thereafter. I can’t shout… ;-)

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posted by FineBoy Agbero at 9:40 AM

48 Comments:

OMG!!! I"m first, i can't belive this.
Ok, now i've marked my spot, i can go & read.

August 23, 2008 at 10:33 AM  

See you got compensated with "Enough galala".

"I no care who una be o! I ready to die!!! And I ready to die with all of una!"

Was that just efizi for the moment.

Your garage brothers really have your back o.

August 23, 2008 at 11:40 AM  

Very entertaining o. So Sikira took care of you ehn? Nice blog...Unique.

August 23, 2008 at 2:05 PM  

i wish they'd broken ur head, nonsense agbero, assaulting a police officer. lol

August 23, 2008 at 2:15 PM  

at last.............

compensation............must have been worth it..............

August 23, 2008 at 2:26 PM  

erm... this is fiction.
right?

August 23, 2008 at 3:50 PM  

you dey go attack king for cell. The day wey you go jam person wey big pass you dey come, lol.

Nice story though.

August 23, 2008 at 4:51 PM  

The agbero of Naija, i salute u o, only u wan kill olopa abeg o respect yourself o na the people wey they protect una be this now but enuff respect for u now as u be the don jazzi abi na king of ewon o, can't wait to read the followup on Sunday, i guess Sikira took care of all the bruises shei with much loooooooooooooooooove.
Pele.
Shalom

August 23, 2008 at 5:05 PM  

You & dis galala wey u dey dance wit Siki baby ehn.........

As for all dose lily livered punks dey put u for cell with, na so God jus wan save u, cuz u for see wetin pass ur power. Ur crase no for fit save u.

August 23, 2008 at 5:11 PM  

nna!!!.. no be small prison u go o!!

sum prison break stuvinz!!

anyhoo.. thank god..

u berra gist us how agbero's they "do the do" o!1

August 23, 2008 at 5:12 PM  

u for shout na!

August 23, 2008 at 8:25 PM  

then u say I shouldn't mention b/f on my blog, and on urs u're dancing galala with sikira abi?

me sef, I've vexed!

August 24, 2008 at 2:21 AM  

Gosh why am I just discovering your blog?
Just read your about me and cracked the heck up. Okay is this prison chronicles fiction?
Loving your blog already
NOTHING DO YOU!
Off to bookmark...

August 24, 2008 at 5:05 AM  

lmao...another classic as usual..

enough galala hey...at last...sikira must perform oh...

cant wait for sunday's story...

August 24, 2008 at 8:25 AM  

I CANT CHOUT!!!!

August 24, 2008 at 2:55 PM  

i gbadun this ur liver o..

lol @ the 'criminals'

awwww i can only imagine how hot the galala was..lol..

August 24, 2008 at 3:31 PM  

u go fear fear na...

u, u fit pull devil for prick?

August 24, 2008 at 6:06 PM  

ah..finally! lemme go nd read jare

August 24, 2008 at 7:50 PM  

hahahahahaha...chai, true true, i no fit shout! dem assign you stool sef? chaaf people, you wey be JJC for cell just come become king? lmao!

August 24, 2008 at 7:59 PM  

Emi no 20?

okay 20 ogun?

well atleast still in top twenty

"enuff galala"

August 25, 2008 at 12:09 AM  

lol...i have to come back and read....too funny mehn

August 25, 2008 at 11:09 AM  

ahhhh sikiratu,:)
fine boi, u dey njoy o *wide grin*
norrin 4 LG abi??? *bats lashes*

August 25, 2008 at 11:39 AM  

umm.. ok.. first time here.. are these stories real.. like did they truly happen to u?? am quite confused :~

August 25, 2008 at 1:47 PM  

Gala la nor dey move them again.

Chai! Bad guy! So na so u come use anoda person pikin take do chair for prison eh?? Where for lag u dey. if i reach lag, i dey come block u. notin do me.

August 26, 2008 at 5:34 AM  

lol......... cant believe ive never been here..... u wanted to kill a police man? at least uve a good support system
so whats with subday? truly an armed robber?

August 26, 2008 at 10:17 AM  

sunday*

August 26, 2008 at 10:18 AM  

haha, this is one amazin story, ive even taken a few pointers if i am ever caught as a wanderer...lol

August 26, 2008 at 6:27 PM  

ye pa

August 26, 2008 at 7:53 PM  

10,000 gbosas to the fineboy agbero. Am luvin the blog. Chei make u nack sikira small small na.

August 28, 2008 at 9:23 AM  

these things really do happen

August 28, 2008 at 2:00 PM  

btw, i like your avatar

August 28, 2008 at 2:01 PM  

Would definitely love to meet the agbero behind this blog.
Hoep u will be at the SBR dude.

Your anonimity will be preserved.

August 28, 2008 at 5:40 PM  

BROS ME I don update o

August 29, 2008 at 1:43 PM  

agbero business na dangerous business sha...

August 29, 2008 at 10:30 PM  

Eniyan mi, against karashi, kosi galala, against gbogbo e, no lele!

Wole kanle, oga mi!

A dey enjoy did your blog O! Una sabi anibodi like Sikiri wey una fit dash your bros? E be laik say she be korect gal O.

September 1, 2008 at 11:58 AM  

lol....
this bobo you sabi fabu story o!

I sure say no be like dis e happen. Obe and Sere with their boys show you pepper,lol...

Missed u.

September 2, 2008 at 1:35 PM  

jokes!!!
kai!!d high cost of livin in nigeria killed me this summer!!! i'm glad am a lady!! mwahaha!!

September 2, 2008 at 10:04 PM  

BUHAHAHAHAHAHAAHH!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!! I DNT EVEN CARE IF THE STORIES R REAL OR NOT...i just love!!!! absolutely lurrrrrve the concept behind this blog!!! SO UNIQUE!!!!! NOW I CAN PROUDLY SAY......."I KNOW ONE AGBERO...." HOPE U GAT A SISTAS BACK OOO..I MIGHT BE NEEDING UR SERVICES!!!!HEHE
P.S:XOXO

September 4, 2008 at 1:02 AM  

oya update biko...

September 5, 2008 at 11:11 AM  

“Oya, write say you collect my gun, you wan shoot me, but I overpower you, you come break my partner’s head.”
You are kidding me – that is hilarious! You are funny! Olopa in Naija are funny sha! Wandering after 10pm? Kai

September 5, 2008 at 5:25 PM  

Bros Update na.

September 5, 2008 at 7:55 PM  

u need a good lawyer!!!

September 6, 2008 at 3:31 AM  

Another update please.

September 10, 2008 at 4:26 AM  

Simply CREATIVE and DISTINCT. Keep it up!

September 10, 2008 at 12:54 PM  

if you like dont update. psheeew

September 14, 2008 at 1:23 AM  

@mizchif
well done! 2 wraps of igbo for u1

@oluwadee
effizzi ke? Well, me brodas have my back o! how married life na?

@naijalines
thanx jare.

@rayo
you! No worry na: d day wey I go storm dat una Unilag ehn?

@ibiluv
u bet! Worth evry minute!

@geisha
my sista, fiction ke?

@invisible
no mind me jare. I too dey flex!

@laughter
O se jare, omo dada. No shaking!

@mz dee
how we dey do the do? Well, I cant tell u: I can only show you!

@chari
I no fit o

@bumight
ehn-ehn? Na so e be? U no wan marry me again?

@naijadramaqueen
welcome jare. Nothing do u!

@afrobabe
of course, she go perform die!

@enigma
oya, shout na!

@buttercup
hot hot hot galala. U want some?

@chari
I fit o. u wan try? Ask devil make him bring im prick come!


@icequeen
u see…Jesus was right o. The last shall be 1st….

@badder
u try sha. 20 no bad.

@tami
come back o!

@LG
u know say na u be iyale now. Evrythign 4 u o!

@zara
ha, u dey ask again? Me, I no dey lie o. na so evrythin happen…

@Naija idol
guy, come lagos jo. Norrin do u… bring kola 4 d boys sha

@funms
u bet! I wan kill d bastard. Sunday fuck up; big tym!

@femi b
take all d tips u can take o!

@homeles
yes, yeepa!

@omo calabar
sure, I dey sofly sofly nack am…

@jinta
thanx, bro!

@princesa
has ur wish been fulfilled?

@solomonsydelle
e dangerous well well o

@naijaleta
kai! We don work 2geda b4?

@aphrodite
why u dey reveal my secret na? ok, I no include d part when dem break my nose sha

@dark cat
lady ke? Dem no dey look lady face o!

@lady koko
y not? I got u back, baje! Just holla me when tym reach! We go show dem pepper!

@allied
u see? Na so police be 4 dis village o. I tire!

@kinshar
u lawyer?

@yewande atanda
thanks a lot!!!

@all
oya, I don update o! all u wahala people! Besides dis blog is a monthly blog na!!! no dey harass me like dat o!

September 14, 2008 at 5:19 PM  

ah..how the hell can i resist hot hot hot galala?? bring it!

September 15, 2008 at 2:04 PM  

lmao. u shld watch the tv series Oz- think u'd like it.

October 28, 2008 at 9:08 PM  

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