The Agbero Blog

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Hancock


Wednesday 6:46pm

Sikira beg me tire, I no gree o. Imagine now, after all I’ve done for this babe, she still go punish me for that yeye church. I don vow say, lailai, me and dat girl no go get anything again. But as you know now, every guy na maga and every girl na yahoo-yahoo; we must fall for their scams.

It was easy anyway. She went for the physical. Sikira showed up at my door one cold evening, looking like she just dropped out of a music video. Kai! This girl was wearing one sinfully short mini-skirt and a top with a low neckline. Maybe na wondebra or something, but the way those things on her chest stood out…

“Hi TJ." Em… em… can I come in?”

Before nko? I don’t forget say I dey vex with am sef. She entered and went straight to sit on the bed. There was this shy smile on her face. Ah, woman! Woman!

She went on her knees, further exposing those juicy mounds in her top. “TJ, no vex now. You know say I love you.”

I no even hear wetin she dey talk. My eyes were glued to where they should be. Finally, I found my voice.

“But, Sikky, you know say you mess up now. Ehn?”

“I know. No vex now.” She stood up and came towards me. Kai!

[Okay, okay, e don do sef! Wetin una wan hear again? We danced galala. We danced enough galala! Abi, no be wetin you dey wait for? Oya, bye, bye!]

Thursday 7:15pm

Never underestimate the power of a woman o. Sounds clichéd abi? Well, that’s because it’s true! With all the madness wey I get for head, it took just Sikira to make me agree, like a boy, to things I’d never have agreed to. After the romp of yesterday, when I was lying on my bed with Sikira in my arms and my thing doing my thinking for me, Sikira rubbed my chest and said I would take her to Silverbird.

See, she didn’t ask o. She said. She stated. And I nodded. I didn’t argue.

But wait. Take my hard-earned money -- money that I earned with curses and fights – and go use it to watch a movie at the cinema? Lailai! Imagine now: 1500! 1500 to watch one movie! When them dey sell the VCD for under bridge at 100 bucks pere! How now?

But here was I agreeing to Sikira’s commands. 1500 X 2. Plus transport.

It was too late by the time my brain took over affairs from my thing. Na dat time the yeye brain come dey wok. I was determined to cut all costs by all means necessary. So, I went to Slow Motion. Slow Motion plies the CMS route. From CMS, the guy dey enter Eko Hotel/Bar Beach and na in front of the cinema dem go pass. So, for his evening trip around seven o’clock, I booked the two front seats. At least, we go ride 1st class!

Sikira was wearing another brain-stealer, and truly, functional activities transferred from up in my head to down in my groin. My smile was as wide as a pumpkin. Jack O’ lantern style. This time, it was a butt-hugging black mini with a top that screamed come-get-me. She even had a perfume on. Na wa o! Only me? Chei!

Slow Motion was waiting for us at the garage. When he saw Sikira, his eyes bulged.

“Shiki baby. Shiki Shiki!” He had this thick Yoruba accent. And tiger-claw tribeless marks.

Sikira gave him her shy smile. “How now, SM?”

“Ah, baby! I dey fine o. You and TJ—”

“Slow Mo, e don do! Thank you. Oya, make we go.”

“Ahn-ahn, TJ, cool down na!”

“Cool down ke? You dey craze? I go break your head o!” And I was ready to! Slow Motion saw the murder in my eyes and quickly gave himself some brain. To be sure, I let Sikira sit by the window while I placed myself between Slow Motion on the driver’s seat and Sikira.

Sikira looked a little uncomfortable.

“Baby, wetin?”

“But, TJ… why we no fit enter taxi now?”

“Ehn, taxi ke! Dat one na gbese now! Besides, Slow Motion will get there faster than any taxi.”

And that was true. Slow Motion wasn’t called slow motion because he was slow. He got that name by always referring to other drivers as driving in slow motion. The guy could floor the accelerator between bus stops. It was always fun riding with him sha. Dangerous fun, though. Two conductors had in the past fell off his bus due to his speed. Several passengers had terminated their tips halfway to leave his demented bus. But Slow Motion always gets his job done. He knew how to outwit the police and LASTMA people. He knew how to bully other drivers in go-slows.

Na so the journey start o. And small time, one man dey scream say I-wan-get-down-o, I-wan-get-down-o! One thing, one thing sha.

“But oga, no bus stop for here o,” Aja Dudu, Slow Motion’s conductor, bellowed.

“See as your driver dey speed. Me, I no wan die. Abeg, park let me get down!”

Slow Motion applied the breaks suddenly. People shrieked in their seats. The man alighted.

“Oga, you never pay na,” Aja Dudu challenged.

“Pay for wetin? From where to where?”

“Ahhhhh!!! Ogbeni, ma se wree o! Fun mi lowo jo!

I turned in my seat to watch the unfolding drama. The man was one Ibo Chap with a coconut head and dubious eyes. He wore a 419 suit with a crooked tie.

“I no go pay o! Lailai.”

Slow Motion was getting impatient. “AJ, make we go now.”

Aja Dudu wasn’t going to back off without a fight.

“You no go pay abi?” Before the man could say yes or no, Aja Dudu pulled sharply at the tie, dragging the screaming chap around. With a vicious force, Aja Dudu kicked the legs from under the fellow. He fell to the ground with a thud. Slow Motion gunned the vehicle; Aja Dudu leapt on and we zoomed off.

“Anybody else wan get down?” Aja Dudu asked. No one spoke.

Slow Motion dropped us off at Solomon Bus Stop, right beside the cinema. Sikira stepped out gingerly. I jumped off like a Chairman. Slow Motion winked at me and zoomed off with a squeal of tyres.

Sikira held my arm and I saw that other girls dey hold their guys like that. Hmm, dis girl sabi something small o. Eyes turned as we passed, most lingering on Sikira. No yawa now. Dem fit look. If dem papa born dem well, make dem come near!

“You sabi the way?” I asked Sikira. She nodded.

Na so dis girl carry me go escalator o. What? I never ride on this kain thing before o, and as the metal dey fold into metal, I dey fear to step on am.

“Dem no get stairs?”

“Come on, TJ, no embarrass me for here o.”

Sikira stepped on the moving stairs and I was forced to make my move too. Gripping the rails was no good. Even the rails were moving! Kai! Without thinking, I jumped on the thing and landed between two stairs. The metal separated and I staggered, holding on to the rails for dear life. Sikira laughed. I didn’t find it funny o.

So, we got to the ticket counter and the lady no even smile as she said “One-five.” I look the money well well before parting with it. We decided to watch Hancock. Now, that name was suggestive. Han-cock ke? Well, na Sikira sabi wetin she wan see for Han-COCK!

The ticket said Screen 5. I quickly made mental calculations. Five screens, with say 200 people each. Dat’s like 1000 people for each movie time. 1k times 1500 = 1.5million! For one! And dem dey show each movie like 3 to 4 times everyday! Kai! Over 4 to 5 million everyday! I must open Cinema!

As I dey head towards Screen 5, with my pupils turned to dollar signs, Sikira tugged at my elbow.

“Baby, we no go buy popcorn?”

“Pop-what?” Kai! 3k already and dis gal dey talk popcorn again? Why we no just buy guguru from Iya Elepa inside garage before we come.

Anyway sha, I follow am go the “Concession Stand” (see name!).

“Sugar or salt?”

“Ehn?”

“Do you want your popcorn in sugar or salt?” The concession lady dey sound like Britico. O n form. Ode!

Sikira talk say na sugar she want.

“How many packs?”

“One now!” I snapped; I don dey vex.

The concession Britico do say I no even talk to am. “Your drinks?”

“Water,” I said, thinking it would be cheaper.

“Fanta!” Sikira exclaimed, smiling. Ah, dis girl. I go comot all my money for her body, I swear!

Eight fifty.”

“Ehn?”

“Eight hundred and fifty naira.”

“850! For what? For guguru and fanta?”

She kept a straight face, like she dealt with me everyday. “Popcorn” – she accented the popcorn – “300; Pet fanta 350; water 200.”

I shook my head. Fanta wey na 50 bucks. Pure Water, na five naira! Iya Elepa’s 20 naira guguru na ten times dis one. Yet, I dey pay 850.

I rummaged in my pockets and fished out crumpled notes; money wey I suppose deliver to Agbowo. No yawa sha.

I hissed as I left the place. My eyes don red, as per dem don cheat me. Upon all d millions wey dem dey make, dem still dey cheat me for guguru. God dey now!

********

Hancock started at 8pm. The movie lifted my spirits. From beginning to end, I laughed. Then I remembered that Hancock was Will Smith and Will Smith was Fresh Prince of old! Men! Dat guy don hammer o. Now, I had two career paths after my agbero stint: cinema owner or actor.

Since we no see Slow Motion again, we decide say we go enter bus. Night don nack sef by the time we leave; almost ten o’clock.

We enter bus and dis shayo conductor dey talk say make me I bring money. For where? I claim staff, abi him mama dey craze? The guy shout shout, I no just mind am. After all the money wey I don give dem for cinema, I go come pay transport again? Lailai!

**********

We get down for bus stop begin waka go house. The thing we dey my mind na how to collect my money back from Sikira tonight. The kain galala wey we go do, ehn, she no go forget am. Abi na lasan to spend all dat money?

Next thing wey I hear na: “Hey you! Stop there!”

Three policemen dey our front. One carry gun, one hold baton, one hold torch.

The one with the baton approached. The other two stood back.

“Officer, how now?” I tried to be friendly.

“Identify yourself.”

“Ah, I be Taju and dis na my girlfriend, Sikira.”

“So? Where your ID Card? Where you dey come from at dis time of d night?”

“Oga, dis na just past ten o. And me I no get any ID Card.”

“Then you must be a criminal! See as the girl sef look like ashawo!”

“Ehn? Wetin you talk? I no mind say u call me criminal o, but don’t call my girl an ashawo again! Lailai!”

The other two police men moved close.

“Ehn-ehn? If I call am nko?”

I remembered Hancock. Call me a jerk one more time.

I lowered my face and narrowed my eyes. “Call her ashawo one more time.”

The police man laughed. He lowered his face to meet mine and said: “A-SHA-WO!”

With the strength of Hancock, I grabbed his baton and “gbosa!!” on his gorimapa head.

Sikira screamed, “Taju!!!!!”

The policemen pounced on me, even the one with his head streaming blood. Before I could say “Hancock”, more of them appeared from out of the darkness. I fight dem o. But dem too plenty. With my eyes swollen, they bundled me into their pick-up. Straight to station.

Sikira na sharp girl now. While all the wahala dey happen, she don move. At least, somebody go know where dem carry me and come bail me.

Me wey never enter cell before, see as I dey now. At least, dis one go boost my street credibility: TJ don beat olopa before. TJ don sleep cell before. I smiled in spite of myself. Nothing dey happen jo. Na me and dem today….

To Be Continued in Prison Chronicles.

posted by FineBoy Agbero at 2:32 PM

40 Comments:

Yeeeeeeeyyyyyy he's back!!!!

August 2, 2008 at 8:05 AM  

kai, after all that enjoyment no galala that nite..those policemen go hear am...

still laughing my ass off at the escalators....

abeg fineboy agbero, dont go missing again..

August 2, 2008 at 8:31 AM  

yes o! no wahala.
i here to stay!

August 2, 2008 at 1:34 PM  

Eniyan mii!!!! Make a say Second! bifor I begin comment.
Afrobabe don reach hia. Dat gal no dey sleep.
Na wah O! I never read di tin sef bifor a begin dey comment.
It's good to have you back. You cannot immagine how excited I am to find out that you've updated.
Make a go read and come back.

August 2, 2008 at 2:18 PM  

3rd!!
LMAO!!

omo u wan become hancock by force na!! lol

Mehn, my bele dey pain me 4 laugh.

I dey come abeg... !

August 2, 2008 at 2:43 PM  

Bobs, I don read finish O! O kare omo nla! (Weldone) I hope say dat policeman don turn mental as you scatter im head. Na so e good for am.

August 2, 2008 at 6:27 PM  

omg! you are the truth!!! don't go missing again o!

August 2, 2008 at 6:45 PM  

galala nor dey move them again, shokey nor they move them again, makosa nor dey move them again. swooo na the new dance when dey rain.

Lmao@escalator

Hancock don do some pple strong thing oo

August 2, 2008 at 8:21 PM  

HAN-cock!!!

buahahaa...

FBA-baba! Nuin do you and nuin for like do u...no mind all them opekes...na so dem do blow all our sense away...

pele o bros...

August 3, 2008 at 2:58 AM  

LOL...my God, I havent been here before. This is hilarious....Lol...naija sha!

August 3, 2008 at 2:27 PM  

wait oh, i just come hail you jare, i never readi this you hancock tale...welcome ohhhh! missed you like!! i see say i dey blogroll sef, see how you dey make person happy ohhh..lol..be back

August 3, 2008 at 8:01 PM  

kai, you don come back ohh! yo uwan kill me abii? 419 suit ke? demented bus had me in tears and dem no get stairs? see how the girl carry you go that kin place, you wan fall her hand..take time ohh! LOL!

liked the part where you said you no mind make them call yo ucriminal but make dem no call Siki ashi..eyyya! lookin foward to Prison Chronicles..but eh, abeg no make us to wait long oh!

August 3, 2008 at 8:30 PM  

you are so hilarious, im still rolling on my floor, i dont think ill stop rolling till next week.

August 4, 2008 at 3:37 AM  

hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think ur blog has become my laughter supply!

gosh, u r somn else, cant wait for ur next post...

August 4, 2008 at 12:12 PM  

obviously a well educated chap conversing and thrilling us with these tales. i must say im impressed with the prose, humour and style. nothing do u my broda. go on sounnnnnnnnnnnn!

August 4, 2008 at 1:23 PM  

oga mi, at least u wirnt gone 2 long dis tym... wunnerful, as usual but u'r so dead if i dont get wat i want asap

August 5, 2008 at 12:16 PM  

u no go take laff kill me u hia!

Good to have u back tho.

see as woman carry u put for gbese.
@ least u boost ur street cred small sha.

I dey pity siki, wen time reach to dance dat galala after u comot from cell.

August 6, 2008 at 2:44 AM  

He he he hehe he
You are one great entertainer bro...
Loved the flow of your story...

Thanks for ur comment at my blog.

Gosh...i hate drivers like Slow motion...

August 6, 2008 at 1:13 PM  

LMAO!

You really should consider turning these stories into scripts! "the diary of an educated agbero"...You don become Hancock be that!

Watching out for prison chronicles!

August 6, 2008 at 1:58 PM  

lolll@ maga and yahoo-yahoo,
na u sabi.
u go fear hanCOCK na!!
awww so no 'Galala' 4 u dat nite?
pele oh, lOllllllllll


update sharp sharp jare

August 6, 2008 at 3:12 PM  

Oh my I am screaming with laughter...First time here and loving it.

August 6, 2008 at 9:20 PM  

the one anly fine boy. updated version.

ees too mush jooo

August 6, 2008 at 11:58 PM  

Omo, o ti ya were o!
you go konck olopa???
You don die finish.

Prison Chronicles???
I suspect you...

Update soon.

August 8, 2008 at 10:22 AM  

bros e wan shele o,
hala at my bunk wen u set,
i.e if 'siki' nor go vex

August 8, 2008 at 2:11 PM  

Lol, I love this blog o agbero, nice one, must come and visit naija o..... Hope you are okay o

August 13, 2008 at 9:36 AM  

ure testin my patience.. UPDATE!!!!!!!!!

August 14, 2008 at 1:45 AM  

Yipee! You're back! Been checking up on you since you dropped by mine (Thanks, by the way). I no know say Agbero like you dey use ATM o! Gotta read then I'll be back...

August 16, 2008 at 9:47 AM  

U are so funny... Wey continuation now?

August 18, 2008 at 9:54 PM  

oh ma gosh!!!!!!!OH MA GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY THE HELL AM I JUST FINDING THIS BLOG???????/ dude i havent laughed this hard in a week!!!!!!!!SHIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!! U R SOOOOOO DAMNNN HILARIOUSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL..... am sooo overwhelmed wiv laughter rite now!!!!!! UPDATE OOO
P.S:XOXO

August 20, 2008 at 4:27 PM  

I go send area boys for you if u no update o,lol...

You go see me for Ojuelegba underbrige fery soon o

August 20, 2008 at 5:17 PM  

Thank you for making me laugh o Bro TJ...lol

1st time here too. Pls update.

August 20, 2008 at 7:23 PM  

O boy u sure say u write JAMB 6 times? You try for English o.

You did Hancock, dint anyone tell you not to try what you watch in movies 2 home?

August 20, 2008 at 7:43 PM  

naijaleta
Thank you jare. U sef well done!

Mz Dee
No mind me o. Hancock don enter my head finish.

Bumight, my love...
I no go anywhere again o!

Naija Idol
Na so o. Too much galala!

Chari
Na so jare. No mind d opekes o...

Naijababe
Welcome jare... Dont be a stranger o

Icy Queenie
Omo, me sef don miss u bad bad o. no worry, I no dey disappear again... how body?

Naija Sutra
Haaaaaaa!!! Stop rolling o!!! i no wan enter gbese!!!

buttercup dear
sorry to keep u waiting... would update in 2 days...

Jaguda
Of course, i go school small now. bcos i be Agbero no mean say i no dey educated na...

Rayo
My spoilt child, farabale o!

mizchif
Of course, Sikira is in trouble!

Aphrodite
Thanx jare. I go give ur regards to Slow MOtion

enigma...
Na true o! Hmm, i go consider sha...

LG
Baby, how far? No worry, i go update pretty soon. "Expo" on ur way..

femi b
welcome jare. i go land ur side now.

badderchic
thanx thanx thanx

woomie o
I dey craze na, abi u no know? Police no fit, men!!


lafta
come naija o. we dey wait u!!!

Mz dee
cool down na! I no go go work again?

naughty eyes
u'e welcome... of course, agbero na human being too na

allied
ok, ok, ok. On d way. Just wait till Friday ok? (Now i don spread d expo)

August 20, 2008 at 7:55 PM  

lady koko
welcome jare! I dey go ur side now sef... How far? are u d lady koko in d secondary school scary tales?

Aphrodite...
U again!! Hmm... I'm warning u o!!!

omosewa
U're welcome jare, omo dada!

Oluwadee
See me o! I ignored d warning!

@all
Just wait 2 days na! Friday is d D-Day!

August 20, 2008 at 9:34 PM  

Happy belated bithday day....

yep I heard....on the blogsvine!!!

August 22, 2008 at 11:10 AM  

oya update!!!

August 22, 2008 at 11:11 AM  

you are a crazy dude!

August 22, 2008 at 3:35 PM  

my supply of laughter, shey two days never reach??

August 23, 2008 at 1:27 AM  

oh my world...hehehehehehe

first time here and i am laffing my head off...my office people go think i do craze...

ah been seeing your name around but i said today today i must check ur blog..and am loving it...

let me go and read the rest of the story..roflol

September 11, 2008 at 1:34 PM  

OMG... LMAO... ROTFL... My first time here, u have me in stitches. My nosey oyinbo co-workers dey wonder wetin do me... I can't wait to finish reading the rest of ur blog.

October 14, 2008 at 11:45 PM  

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