The Agbero Blog

Monday, March 9, 2009

Letter to Orunmila for Blogville (Urgent)

Dear Orunmila Baba Ifa,

I comot for Blogville for a short time, go attend to pressing matters for our village in Ijemo. During the same period, I offered the ebo to you as you requested. While the Christians observed Lent, I took wisdom at the feet of Obatala. Orunmila, I paid my dues. I did! But what did I see when I returned?

They had nominated me in only two categories in the Naija Bloggers Award. Only two! But, Baba, I no vex. I take am like that. The thing wey pain me pass be say they nominate me alongside some “prominent” people. But, Baba Orisha, na who prominent pass you? Na who dem be wey dem wan big pass you wey dey my back?

Hence, I am bringing forward their names to you.

Bloggers Choice award

* Solomonsydelle
* Vera
* Afrobabe
* Fineboy Agbero
* Jaycee
* Exschoolnerd
* Ladyguide

Most creative Blogger
* Fineboy Agbero
* Exschoolnerd
* Vera
* Catwalq
* Doug

Orisha Agba, may their eyes see double. May they click my name even when they want to vote for themselves. May they campaign for me even when they want to further their causes. May their heads be filled with thoughts of how to make my own beta. Here is what I want you to do with each of them:

Solomonsydelle: Dis one get pikin, so treat am jejely. But her next pikin should resemble me. If she wan name the child, na Agberotunde she go call am. May she threaten her husband with divorce and promise to marry me. That is if she refuses to step down or vote for me…

Vera: Dis one get Russian blood for body, but Baba, since when were you afraid of the Red Army or the fire of communism? Lailai! Baba, she get mouth for blogville o. May you turn dat mouth into a tool for me. May she begin to sing my praises. May she have sleepless nights and dream of marrying me. May she see Alaska from Nigeria and see Ajegunle from New York. That is if she refuses to step down or vote for me…

Afrobabe: Ah, Baba, na Benue gal o, so make u dey kiaful with am. She fit seduce you, Baba Orisha. Turn her sexiness to my advantage. Let her convert her numerous followers to my side. Let all the sexual images in her head be filled with me. Let her take the next flight to Lagos to find me and make sweet raunchy obscene love to me. That is if she refuses to step down or vote for me…

JayCee: Orunmila, dis one dey obodo oyinbo. No make the plenty scriptures wey she dey quote disturb you o. Just use dat odeechi charm; e go work. Enter her prayers, Baba. Let her start praying for me to win. Let her light my lamp! That is if she refuses to step down or vote for me…

Exschoolnerd: hahahaha! Dis one dey write exams, Baba. Shey make we scatter her head? Or should we scatter the whole school sef? Baba, when she wan answer 1+1, make she write FBA! When she dey read, turn all the words to Fine + Boy + Agbero. Let her grin indefinitely in the exam hall. When invigilator come, let her slap him and keep grinning. That is if she refuses to step down or vote for me…

Ladyguide: Baba dis one na d real Judas! She call herself my wife, yet she no fit step down for me. Orisha nla, turn her yansh into her face and her face into her yansh. Send Sango to chase her in her dreams. In fact, Baba, leave dis one alone, I go deal with am myself.

Catwalq: Dis one wants a million for her thoughts. Baba, no problem. Let Esu give her a million wahala to think about bcos of me. Let Obatala baffle her brain with a million puzzles bcos of me. Let Yemoja chase her a million miles from every source of water. That is if she refuses to step down or vote for me…

Doug: Baba, na bark dog dey bark na. If dis one wan say good morning, make d language be dog language. Make d only words wey im mouth fit utter be “Vote for FBA.” All the money wey dey im account, make im pack am give me. Sleepless nights, sleepy days, dash am until dem sack am for work! Until im step down or vote for me!

Baba, dat’s the message I want to send you. And to the remaining people of blogger, you better vote for me or else… This is where to vote, in case you don’t know, and so dat you wouldn’t say you weren’t given a chance. >>NAIJA BLOGGERS AWARDS<<.

Those who do NOT vote for me will:
1. Suffer epilepsy of the tongue for 7 days
2. See only in black and white for 7 days
3. Shit water and piss shit for 7days
4. Frog jump instead of walking for 7days
5. Crave ata rodo as their only meal for 7days
6. Crave sex with Michael Jackson, the current one, for 7days
7. Turn into a big white cock to be sacrificed to Orunmila on the 7th day.

Baba, this last prayer na for my sweet wife, Temite. Baba, as dem do me bad, na so dem do am bad too. Dem no even gree nominate am. Even as she love dem all so tay she dey make sure say na she be first for all their blogs. Wicked people! May you grant her sweetness of heart jare. May you soothe her bruised soul and fire the yansh of her enemies. May you grant her the strength, power and wisdom to win this campaign for me as my Campaign Manager.

So shall it be. Ase!!! Amen!!! Amin!!! Allahuakbar! Hallelujah!

Yours in orisha,
FineBoy Agbero.


posted by FineBoy Agbero at 2:21 PM 86 comments