The Agbero Blog
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Tired, are you?
Now, I'm just tired. Blogville is just too much for me.
There's an ocean of blogs to visit, a million comments to drop.
Suddenly I'm jaded.
I want to leave but I don't want to leave. I want to continue writing.
But it's difficult.
All my wives have deserted me. Bumight went to have a baby. Temite started toasting a guy.
Yeah, maybe LG stayed...
I still read blogs though I stopped dropping comments. I noticed that most people sound tired too. Regularly updaters now leave it till two or three weeks to update.
Comments are not as frequent as before. Die-hard bloggers have left. Am I doomed to go that way too?
I'm tired; are you?
I want to be rejuvenated; do you?
PS: Never mind the fine language. I've been attending evening classes.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Letter to Orunmila for Blogville (Urgent)
I comot for Blogville for a short time, go attend to pressing matters for our village in Ijemo. During the same period, I offered the ebo to you as you requested. While the Christians observed Lent, I took wisdom at the feet of Obatala. Orunmila, I paid my dues. I did! But what did I see when I returned?
They had nominated me in only two categories in the Naija Bloggers Award. Only two! But, Baba, I no vex. I take am like that. The thing wey pain me pass be say they nominate me alongside some “prominent” people. But, Baba Orisha, na who prominent pass you? Na who dem be wey dem wan big pass you wey dey my back?
Hence, I am bringing forward their names to you.
Bloggers Choice award
* Fineboy Agbero
Most creative Blogger
* Fineboy Agbero
Orisha Agba, may their eyes see double. May they click my name even when they want to vote for themselves. May they campaign for me even when they want to further their causes. May their heads be filled with thoughts of how to make my own beta. Here is what I want you to do with each of them:
Solomonsydelle: Dis one get pikin, so treat am jejely. But her next pikin should resemble me. If she wan name the child, na Agberotunde she go call am. May she threaten her husband with divorce and promise to marry me. That is if she refuses to step down or vote for me…
Vera: Dis one get Russian blood for body, but Baba, since when were you afraid of the Red Army or the fire of communism? Lailai! Baba, she get mouth for blogville o. May you turn dat mouth into a tool for me. May she begin to sing my praises. May she have sleepless nights and dream of marrying me. May she see Alaska from Nigeria and see Ajegunle from New York. That is if she refuses to step down or vote for me…
Afrobabe: Ah, Baba, na Benue gal o, so make u dey kiaful with am. She fit seduce you, Baba Orisha. Turn her sexiness to my advantage. Let her convert her numerous followers to my side. Let all the sexual images in her head be filled with me. Let her take the next flight to Lagos to find me and make sweet raunchy obscene love to me. That is if she refuses to step down or vote for me…
JayCee: Orunmila, dis one dey obodo oyinbo. No make the plenty scriptures wey she dey quote disturb you o. Just use dat odeechi charm; e go work. Enter her prayers, Baba. Let her start praying for me to win. Let her light my lamp! That is if she refuses to step down or vote for me…
Exschoolnerd: hahahaha! Dis one dey write exams, Baba. Shey make we scatter her head? Or should we scatter the whole school sef? Baba, when she wan answer 1+1, make she write FBA! When she dey read, turn all the words to Fine + Boy + Agbero. Let her grin indefinitely in the exam hall. When invigilator come, let her slap him and keep grinning. That is if she refuses to step down or vote for me…
Ladyguide: Baba dis one na d real Judas! She call herself my wife, yet she no fit step down for me. Orisha nla, turn her yansh into her face and her face into her yansh. Send Sango to chase her in her dreams. In fact, Baba, leave dis one alone, I go deal with am myself.
Catwalq: Dis one wants a million for her thoughts. Baba, no problem. Let Esu give her a million wahala to think about bcos of me. Let Obatala baffle her brain with a million puzzles bcos of me. Let Yemoja chase her a million miles from every source of water. That is if she refuses to step down or vote for me…
Doug: Baba, na bark dog dey bark na. If dis one wan say good morning, make d language be dog language. Make d only words wey im mouth fit utter be “Vote for FBA.” All the money wey dey im account, make im pack am give me. Sleepless nights, sleepy days, dash am until dem sack am for work! Until im step down or vote for me!
Baba, dat’s the message I want to send you. And to the remaining people of blogger, you better vote for me or else… This is where to vote, in case you don’t know, and so dat you wouldn’t say you weren’t given a chance. >>NAIJA BLOGGERS AWARDS<<.
Those who do NOT vote for me will:
1. Suffer epilepsy of the tongue for 7 days
2. See only in black and white for 7 days
3. Shit water and piss shit for 7days
4. Frog jump instead of walking for 7days
5. Crave ata rodo as their only meal for 7days
6. Crave sex with Michael Jackson, the current one, for 7days
7. Turn into a big white cock to be sacrificed to Orunmila on the 7th day.
Baba, this last prayer na for my sweet wife, Temite. Baba, as dem do me bad, na so dem do am bad too. Dem no even gree nominate am. Even as she love dem all so tay she dey make sure say na she be first for all their blogs. Wicked people! May you grant her sweetness of heart jare. May you soothe her bruised soul and fire the yansh of her enemies. May you grant her the strength, power and wisdom to win this campaign for me as my Campaign Manager.
So shall it be. Ase!!! Amen!!! Amin!!! Allahuakbar! Hallelujah!
Yours in orisha,
Labels: Naija Bloggers Awards
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Monkey Returns!
Sikira knock my door like say na elephant wan enter. Immediately I heard the knock, I knew it was her. I just jumped from the bed and crouched in one corner. See me o; correct omo-ita, with all the madness in my head: na two women come dey make me fear like dis! Sikira bang the door taya, I no gree open. E remain small make d door comot sef, still I just kpeme for the room.
“TJ, e no go better for your papa o! Your mama go get seven accident! Obatala go quench your grandmamma!!! Sopona go wound your grandpapa for farm!!! TJ, open dis door now!!”
She curse me taya, I no gree. She curse all my family, curse my grandparents, my cousins, my friends. She curse everybody wey know me; she curse everybody wey owe me money and those wey I owe money. She curse all the conductors wey I dey collect money from. She curse all the passengers wey dey enter their bus. She curse everybody, still I no gree comot. Because this Sikira, na to kill me remain for am.
It took Agbowo to get me out of the room. Two weeks had passed and I was still in the room. I only went out during the night to use the toilet. Na d garri wey dey my room I just dey manage drink. Agbowo did not even knock. He just spoke.
“Taju, open dis door now-now!”
The voice be like bomb. I rush open d door kia-kia.
“Ah, Baba, na you!”
He let himself into the room quietly. I hurriedly closed the door behind him.
“So, na because of woman you no wan come park again abi? U dey craze!” One big slap land for my eye. I wan shout but I no fit.
“Sit down,” Agbowo commanded.
The kain talk wey dis man follow me talk dat day, even my papa neva talk am before. He spoke to me like someone who was more than a father; someone superior to a father. He talk better sense into my kolo head.
I went to the park that day.
It was like they were welcoming a king! The bastards lined up with sniggers on their faces. They smiled as they shook my hand, a smile that revealed more than they were saying. Once in a while, I’ll hear “flying monkey!” and I would spin around to kill the bastard that said it and everyone would start laughing. Or in their pseudo-conversation:
“Ah, you no watch dat match between Man U and Chelsea? Var der Saar just dey fly like monkey!”
Another false conversation:
“Lai-lai! I fit bet my salary on am! Monkey fit fly faster than bird!”
Ok, I get it, you bastards!
My first shift don end. I dey under the shed dey relax with Mufu and Rashidi. Agbowo seat one corner dey drink stout. His transistor radio dey blast “Ori e o f’oka sibe!” I was almost dozing when I felt the sky grow darker. Kilode? I opened my eyes and there in front of me, looking as radiant as ever, was Bolatito! Tito baby! I scrambled to my feet and made to run. My heart jumped against my ribcage. Mufu and Rashidi too also backed off.
The way she said my name was so silky! Kai!
“Tj, abeg no run from me, I no be witch.”
I no fit talk.
Slowly, she came towards me and knelt at my feet holding on to my legs. Kai! Dis gal dey fall my hand o! There were tears in her eyes.
“TJ, abeg make I explain.”
And explain she did. She told me how she had been trying to get in touch with me but hear say I no come park. And she dey fear make she come my house. But today she hear say I don come park. (Kai, did they announce my return on radio??!!) She also explained how she had gone back home to find out about what happened and discovered it was her aunty she had been living with in Ekiti that put the magun on her. The woman had always accused her of being a flirt, when na boys dey always chase am and she no dey give them face.
In short, as she dey talk, she dey rub my knee, my calf, my feet. Her face was pressed against my belly! Chei! Before I know, my agidi don disappear. Meself come dey pet am. I dey smile like fish, dey talk nonsense. Tito gave me a look that was suggestive and I catch the look quick-quick. As I approached Agbowo to ask for permission to go home, he just smiled and shook his head.
Before you fit say “God-punish-Flying-Monkey” we don reach house!
Baba Odeku was outside the house fixing something in his bus. He jumped when he saw us together!
“TJ! Tito! You people again?”
“Baba, no worry everything dey kampe.”
“Kampe ke?” He looked at Tito.
Tito nodded. “Dem don remove am for village, Baba.”
Baba Odeku just shook his head. Idiot man! Because he just save me one-time, he think say he be my papa?
Tito and I practically dragged each other into my room. We tore at each other’s clothes as we landed on the bed.
[[Parental Guidance: Text not visible to readers under 50]]
We lay on the bed exhausted, but with enough energy to go again. Indeed, the tin no dey for her body anymore! I no crow like cock. I no drink water like fish. I no fly like money again!
Slowly, with Tito’s caress, I felt my thing dey rise again. Tito gripped my tin for hand, press am tight! I winced but the pain dey pleasurable. Slowly, I felt her body slide down mine and her mouth felt wet and silky on my thing! Kai! Sikira never do dis one before o!!! In fact nobody ever do me dis one before! Ah, na wetin dem dey call blow-job be dis?? The enjoyment dey too much, I just dey scream like lunatic. But next thing na:
The remaining things happen for slow motion:
The door burst open. (We no even remember lock am!) Sikira stood there with her mouth wide open! Her breasts heaved like a locomotive. She looked at my face then at Tito. Tito’s mouth was still on the tip of my koboko. The look of terror on her face was almost edible. Nobody moved for like 10seconds. We were all just too shocked. But, like the tiger she is, Sikira was the first to pounce. With a fierce cry, she dealt Tito a blow across the face. Tito scattered into one corner. She jumped on me and grabbed my thing, pinching and squeeze my balls!
“Yeeeeeeeeepaaaaaaaaaaa!!!” My scream must have reached up to heaven for Baba Odeku flew in moments later.
“Sikira, stop am!!!”
“Ah!!! I go comot this him yeye thing today!!!!”
But Sikira no wan stop o; she just dey drag me around the room with my thing. I would jerk and she would pull. She would pinch and I’d jerk back. Like we were in an accursed pantomime. She had murder in her eyes. Sadly, my thing refused to go down; the bastard was still erect! And dat intensified the pain!
Baba Odeku pleaded with Sikira, she no gree o. When he tried to wrestle my thing from her grip, the pain only increased. I screamed harder.
It was Tito that would finally rescue me.
She found one big stick wey I dey use kill rat. With her veins straining against her skin, she nack d stick for Sikira head!
Gbosaaaa!!! I even heard a crack. The stick or Sikira’s head?
Sikira slumped to the floor. My thing shrank instantaneously. Baba Odeku put his hands on his head.
“Yeeeepa!!! You don kill am!! You don kill am o!” The bastard man was jumping up and and down like a puppet. Tito ran to me and held me tight, her eyes wide with fear. We all stood back as if a taboo was in front of us. Me, I wanted to shrink into the wall! Wetin I go talk for police station? Say my girlfriend kill my girlfriend? Which kain yeye story be dat!
Baba Odeku was surprisingly the first person to recover. “E be like say she never die o,” he said cautiously. He moved towards her and put his head on her juicy breasts.
“Her heart dey beat.”
Hallelujah! But the bastard man no comot him head o. The idiot was tapping current! Agbaya!
Like those zombies do in those movies, Sikira stretched out her hands, from the dead, and grabbed Baba Odeku’s neck!!! Both of them screamed with different purposes.
Tito and I grabbed our clothes and raced out of the house! Our screams were with single purpose!
*I said Tuesday, abi no be so? Dis na Tuesday na!
*Public announcement: I just got married to a new wife! Temite! My elder wives -- Bumight, LG, Rayo -- abeg treat am well o!