The Agbero Blog

I don hear tales of the Flyin Monkey but I no dey believe am. E be like one of those Urban Myths were papa and mama dey use scare us in those days. Like the myth of drinking garri and eating mango and dying instantly! Like the myth of plucking an eyelash and a strand of hair from your head, placing dem in a paper and letting your parents step on it to forget whatever punishment they were going to visit on you. Like the myth of beating a boy with omorogun or broom and his kini will disappear. Like the myth of fingers growing in your belly if you “collected” sweet or biscuit from a witch girl in your class…

Like the myth of the Flyin’ Monkey.

I didn’t believe it. Not until it happened to me. Again, I swear by my mother’s life, I swear on the graves of my forefathers, I swear by my father’s kini: this is how it happened. And it happened to me.

Remember Iya Sidikat the paraga woman? Her father died and she had to go to Ekiti for the burial. The woman comot for like 5 days and we all wan die! No paraga, nothing! How we suppose survive? We already don wan go contract another paraga seller when the woman “shop” open suddenly. But it wasn’t the woman that was there o.

See, my Sikira is very fine, as in very fine. She fine pass LG, Rayo, Bumight, Icequeen, and all those gals I dey chase for Blogville. Her lips sexy pass Smaragd’s. (Or are they?) Ok, my Sikira fine sha. But see, this gal wey dey sell paraga for Iya Sidikat was something else. Kai! Ori iya mi Eleko o!!! This gal yellow like oyinbo. The twins on her chest point out like… like what sef? The thing no get mate! Her bakassi nko? Olopa o!!! The only tin wey spoil dis gal na the tiger marks wey dey her face. Why some parents dey craze like dat? See fine gal like dis, u come design her face with three long deep marks for each cheek? Nevertheless, these marks no make dis gal ugly o. Infact, na the marks make her more tantalizing.

Kia-kia, awon boys don dey make moves. Mufu, Rasaki, even Agbowo wey don marry! Yeepa! Come see fight as people dey struggle to buy paraga. People spend all their money on buying paraga just to talk to the gal. But the gal no even utter one word o! Na so she just dey look. Ask am anything, she go just nod or shake head, or dash you your change. The intrigue come increase. Boys dey vow to be the first one to make her talk. The end result was: everybody was drunk by noon. Too much paraga! Everybody. Of course, except me!

Before nko? I dey plan my strategy now. As everybody dey struggle with am during the day, me I just pam dey look. Of course, I dey buy my paraga o, but just my usual share. I no dey follow the gal talk sef. I just buy my tin comot. Slowly, mesef dey build my own mystic na. As per fine boy again, wetin remain?

So, on the third day of the gal’s take-over of our park, I approached her after “work” and offered to help her pack up. Being the first time I’d talk to her, she nodded invitingly. I helped her pack and carried some stuff for her. I began to walk her home. I didn’t speak for the first ten minutes.

“Wetin be your name?” she asked. I was surprised! Ehn? She spoke? She asked for my name?!

“Em…em.. my…my name na… Ta… o ti o! My name na TJ!”

She chuckled as I stuttered.

“You nko?” I asked.

“Bolatito.”

“Bolatito,” I repeated. There was a hint of the Ekiti accent in her voice but it sounded sexy to me. Kai!

We were nearing her place.

“Bolatito, wetin u dey do tonight?”

“Hmm… nothing.”

“Oya, make we go chop pepper-soup for Mama Chukwudi place now? Please!”

She smiled and nodded.

“Ok, I go come pick you by 8pm. Is that okay?”

She smiled and nodded again.

I dashed away like a 100-meter sprinter. Straight home to freshen up. I arrange the room, set up everything, spray air-freshener. I check my “rubber” stash. I still had like 25 packets. Oya now!

Make I no long the story, after the wonderful pepper soup, which she liked, me and am just go pam for one corner like dat. The corner was actually Imma’s closed shop. It was dark. And it was close to my place. Na so Bolatito and I dey corner dey talk jeje to each other. I tell am say I like am, she say she like me too. We just dey talk slow-slow. Na so I attempt to kiss the gal o. She no even dodge. Her lips were soft. Like what sef? E no get mate! My spine tingled… but my mind was alert. First, Sikira must not catch me. Two, I gats comot for here. Na so I carry the gal comot. Oya to my house.

Make I no long the story again: we land for bed. My wicked hands found her wicked chest-twins. I caress dem like say my life depend on am. Na so she dey moan soft soft o. Gradually, we enter advance stage. Clothes don go finish. (she no wear underwear, kai!!! Sexy!!!) Rubber don cover kini. Oya, make I enter, the gal dey push me back small-small.

“Hmm…TJ…hmmm…. I no wan do o…” Voice soft like feather!

“Tito baby…no worry… I dey kampe….”

“No be dat…hmmm… I neva do before o…”

What?! Alarm-bells in my head! Virgin alert! One part of my mind say make I leave am o. Wetin I wan take V do? Second say make I carry go jo! Afterall, na my first V be dis. Besides, all the boys want dis one o; if I leave am, someone else go take am!

Na so I listen to the first voice o. I calm d gal, carry on with my “evil deed.”

It was the best sex I had ever had. The gal was willing. She kept pulling me to herself and screaming like a cat. Three times, we do di thing. Sikira? Only once sef, she go complain say she don tire.

It was the best sex I had ever had. And the most dangerous.

As we lay on the bed dey rub each other’s body, na so I dey feel one kain for inside. My had just dey grow bigger. My eyes sef no see well. Next thing na:

“Kukurukuuuuuuuuuuuu!”

For where?!!! I had just crowed like a cock! Bolatito jumped up. I jumped up. Alarm was all over her face. Me, I still no dey see well. Suddenly, I had dis urge to drink water.

“Water! Water!!!” I was screaming. I ran to my keg where I kept drinkable water. See, dis is a 5-litre keg, filled with water. See, I lifted dis keg to my mouth and drank like a fish. It was as if the water was evaporating the moment it hit my throat. Within seconds, I had finished the whole keg and my throat was still burning! I threw the keg madly in one corner. With only my boxers on, I ran out of the room. Bolatito just stared, my wrapper clutched around her chest.

Rashidi and others were seated outside enjoying the night breeze when I burst out and staggered to the ground. I race for the water drum at the corner of the house. I tore the lid off and dipped my head into the drum of water. It wasn’t sufficient. I turned the drum and emptied the content on my head, with my mouth open. It was still not enough. Next thing:

“Kukurukuuuuuuuuuuuu!”

The boys rallied around me.

“TJ, wetin do you? So na u dey crow like cock since?” Rashidi asked. Some of the boys laughed, not realizing my predicament. I rolled on the floor, screaming for water. Suddenly, the water urge disappeared, replaced with a yearning to fly. I stood up and grinned. I staggered back to prepare for a run. With a dash, I did a perfect somersault and landed on my stomach. The boys laughed.

I staggered back again and prepared for my next run. Oya now! Another perfect somersault and a belly flop!

Oya, number three. Something propelled me to speed up Number 3. I staggered back again and ran…

“Hold him!!!!!!!!!!” The voice was so urgent it even pierced through my madness. I was already in the air when several hands snatched at me and stopped me mid-flight. I struggled against their grip. I just had to do Number 3. It was Baba Odeku. His face was a mask of concern.

“Oya, carry him into my room. Don’t leave him o!”

I had never entered Baba Odeku’s room before. It was like a shrine. Different concoctions hung everywhere. The boys lay me on the mat and I still wriggled, trying to get out of their hold. Baba Odeku brought out a white stone and placed it on my forehead. Immediately, a calmness washed over me.

“Where is she?” he asked.

“In my room,” I whispered. The boys looked at each other, perplexed.

“Rashidi, go and fetch her.” Rashidi raced out. He returned with Bolatito in seconds. The boys gasped and exchanged surprised looks.

“Oya, everybody out!” Reluctantly, the boys all left.

Baba Odeku pulled Bolatito to one side and they talked in hushed tones. I couldn’t’ hear what was said, but Baba Odeku’s voice was questioningly stern. He came to me and placed the stone on my forehead again. This time, I drifted off to sleep….

When I woke up, I was still in Baba Odeku’s room. My head was on Bolatito’s lap and she was caressing my forehead. Baba Odeku smiled at me as I looked at him.

“You are alright now,” he merely said.

And so, I had become a victim of the Flyin’ Monkey. Oh, some of you know it as Magun, some as Thunderbolt. Some, as other names. But amongst the boys and I, we knew it as Flyin’ Monkey.

And my new nickname? Flyin’ Monkey!